Metal gear solid x: Operation Leaf Eater
by raf9900
Summary: When a stranger removes Big Boss from the ending of his lastest mission and sets in motion one last filler arc in Naruto, what could possibly happen? Full-blown affectionate parody. Rated T for some bad words and stealthy undescribed adult jokes.
1. Chapter 1

Hello people!

This is my first uploaded fan fiction, and my first attempt at being funny in one. I hope you all like it... But before reading, I ask you to take a couple things in mind:

This isn't a serious 'fic. Nowhere near one. If you came here looking for drama, then I suggest you go back.

Also, I am always open to ANY critic, except any regarding power levels and such. I really can't afford to do a realistic comparison between the two worlds, and most battles are just milked for fun anyway.

In another note, In case you didn't read the introduction, this story happens right after metal gear solid 3: Snake eater and right after the regular Naruto ended (that is, before Shippuden).

All Naruto and Metal Gear characters belong to their brilliant owners. I own only the mess I will put them through.

Chapter 1: -Prized bonus level OR the last filler.

Naked Snake, just recently titled Big Boss of foxhound, watched the tomb stone solemnly. Written on it, the worlds "_In memory of a patriot/ Who saved the world"_ Was all that was left of the greatest of all patriot, his mentor, his idol. And yet, one thought couldn't leave his mind:

_ Damn, I need some donuts._

There was, tough, a reason for Jack's apathy: He was doing the exact same thing for the 5th time already, and in just one week. After the third time, Big Boss had decided he hated whoever was playing the game for torturing him.

And, truth be told, Jack was in a bad shape. This time around, the player thought he could finish the game in extreme. The end result resembled closely a Swiss cheese who spent a hour in a fire, if Swiss cheese had broken bones. If it wasn't enough, whoever controlled him was a sadist, because he forgot to pull out a total of five leaches from his body. The pain was unimaginable. And he could only hear and speak the same lines so many times before going insane.

But just before this play through could end, and he could finally rest for a few minutes of revealing dialogue, something out of the usual happened:

"_Afternoon, Snake_." Said a deep voice, from a fair distance away. "I hope you had some rest from your last mission."

Big boss quickly searched the area, expecting Major Zero, but he found a man in a black robe. The hood covered his face completely, but the large size indicated someone at least as large as col. Volgin. But clearly it wasn't him. The man standing there obviously wasn't dead, and he didn't shout anything cheesy in a total of five seconds. _Then… Who?_

"_Who am I, do you ask?" _The man replied to Jack's thoughts. He answered by staring the man with his usual "Oh crap!" look. "_Yes, I can read your thoughts. No, I don't care if you want donuts for lunch."_

Big Boss took a moment to think. _If he can read my mind, then I can't really do much. _"What do you want with me?" He asked, trying not to think of anything embarrassing. His reputation was something important for him, after all.

"_Well, Jack, I'm here for- Wait, is that a cardboard box? And that's you – You nasty!"_ The man replied, losing his calm and composed voice. He took a deep breath to recompose. "_All right, forget that. I'm here to take you away; Far, far away. To… A bonus mission, you might say." _The man said.

"Bonus mission?" Big Boss asked, in disbelief. From all the painful experience gathered the last week, he was absolutely sure the game should have ended already,

"_Yes. Don't you see, Jack? The nature of war… is bonuses! We all live in favor of bonuses. You can't reach fulfillment in battle unless you do the bonus mission!" _The man said, shouting unnecessarily loud. "_And that, Jack, is why my name is…" _The man removed his cape, with the exciting reveal… of _another_ cape under it, but white. A large, curved nose peeked out of it. "…_The Bonus!"_ The trees seemed to shiver by the mere pronunciation of his name.

At the corner of the screen, it appeared: _The bonus – Darth Vader_

"Are you serious?" Jack asked. The man's new robe waved in the wind dramatically, and the Bonus breathed deeply. "This is _it._ I'm going for my box." Jack said, reaching for his always trustworthy cardboard box in his backpack.

"_Sorry, but I got other plans for you._"

"Aaargh!" Big boss shouted, before disappearing from sight in the blink of an eye, his box left behind.

The Bonus walked slowly towards the tombstone where the war hero disappeared. _It sure feels good to be evil._ He then crouched at the cardboard object, curious.

"_So where did he…" _The (fake) Cobra started, examining the object. He found a small horizontal hole designed to lift purposes. "_That man is just disgusting."_

Naruto enjoyed the gratification of hard-earned money as usual: Helping the Ichiraku ramen shop owner in his dream to become a millionaire. Together with Sakura-chan and Kakashi-sensei, both if which ate in a slightly more human manner, they discussed their latest mission.

"Boy, those fillers sure are hard!" said the blonde boy, with a hint of fatigue in his voice. "Since that stupid you-know-who left us, we haven't even advanced a single millimeter in the plot!"

"Well, it seems like we're almost done with that." Kakashi said, who miraculously ate without taking his mask. The methods involved are not suitable for a T audience, so they shall not be described. "Aren't you happy Sakura? You might finally do something useful."

"Meh, I've kind of given up on that." She said, dismissing with her hand. "By now, I've got to the conclusion the author just hates me and I'll have to live with that."

"Don't be so hard on yourself, Sakura-chan!" Naruto exclaimed. "I'm sure that, by end of the series, you'll live your lifelong dream of marrying _me_!" He completed, gesturing to himself. Brilliance and selflessness shined from him like a thousand suns.

"I hate you."

"I love you too, Sakura-chan!"

"All right guys," Said Kakashi, with a tired grunt. "That's it for today. If you need me, I'll be at my house playing - I mean, catching on with my reading."

"It's the same thing, really." Naruto commented. "You aren't fooling anybody, sensei."

By the time he finished the sentence, his sensei was already out of sight. The two Genin exchanged insults for a while longer, until they saw team 10 about to leave Konoha. Naruto, the very essence of maturity, naturally decided to wish his friends good luck:

"HEY SHIKAMARU!" Naruto screamed, while running over his "friend." "Where are you guys going?" He asked, pointing for Ino, Choji and Asuma.

"Nice to see you Naruto…" Shikamaru said. "Now could you do me a favor?"

"Anything!" Said the blonde ninja, tilting his head down to face Sikamaru. His friend seemed to be lying in the ground for no good reason.

"Could you… Get off me!" He asked.

"Oh, sure!" He answered, happily, and then jumped to the side. "So were are you guys going?

"Remember the cat you had to snatch about 100 episodes ago?" Asked Asuma.

"He escaped AGAIN?" Sakura asked, in disbelief.

"You're kidding me, right?" Asked Ino, like if Sakura were the only person in the entire world who didn't know the answer. "That cat escapes AT LEAST once a week. So while you're busy taking care of the big stuff, we have to catch it again. And again. And again." She explained, with a slight bulge in the eye and punching her palm with her fist. "So I say NO MORE!" She waved her hands in fury, punching the air. "This monstrosity has to be destroyed once and – Humpf!"

Choji grabbed Ino by the mouth and took her outside to relax a bit.

"Sorry for that." Said Asuma. "We've all been under a bit of stress because of that cat."

"IT ISN'T A CAT, IT'S A MONSTER!" Ino shouted, before Choji managed to grab her mouth again.

"All right then, have a nice trip!" Said Naruto. "If you need me, I'll be dating Sakura at the Ichiraku Lamen."

"One.." Started Shikamaru, slightly amused. "Two…"

Naruto looked behind, but all he saw was a glare and a fist. Team 10 waved goodbye as the blonde ninja flew across the leaf village, destroying houses, shattering through building-sized boulders and just generally scaring the crap out of people all the way into the training field. Sakura watched the human missile with pride and kissed her prized fist. _Did I say "live with that?" Sorry, I meant "channel my anger through Naruto-kun."_

On the other side of the village, inside a small crater, the good listener could catch a final, barely audible comment:

- _Still _worth it…


	2. Chapter 2

Chapter 2: The box and the Snake.

Big Boss woke up to the calls of his codec. Out of sheer reflex, he answered the call by touching his chest, but he didn't have it with him. His eyes searched the area, trying to find the source. Jack was in a green, tropical forest, with life teeming in every corner. And, as usual, his backpack was hanging on a tree.

_That thing must have its own will or something._ After an easy climb, Big boss opened his bag; everything was inside it, including his radio.

"Snake? Snake! SNAAAAAKE!" Major Zero called, with a slight hint of worry.

"I'm here, major." Jack answered. "Wait a moment, let me get out of this tree."

*Thud*

"Good to hear about you snake." The major said. " I thought you were dead." _You ALWAYS think I'm dead, major. "_This is the current situation: You're a in a bad spot."

"It's not the first time." Big boss commented. "But how bad it is?"

"HOW bad?" Signit intervened. "Man, we have NO idea of where you are, why you were sent here or who the hell is that Bonus guy. All we know is that he's definitely not a cobra."

"We did found out about Darth Vader tough." Para medic commented. "He apparently is the main villain of a 90's movies called Star Wars…"

"Not now, paramedic." Said Major Zero, completely ignoring any suspicious details about the info. "Tell me, snake: Do you have everything in there?"

Jack searched his backpack, while the team waited. After a while, he suddenly stopped. Silence kept for a total of 15 seconds.

"Snake? Snake! SNAAAAAKE?" The major shouted.

"It's My… my…" Big Boss muttered.

"What is it, snake?" Signit asked. "You lost your pistol? Your camouflage? Your cigars?"

"MY BOX!" Snake cried, shutting down the radio to look around for his precious box.

"Major," Signit started, "Could you remind me why that dumbass is our best agent?"

"Tenacity." He answered. "A lot of tenacity."

After running in circles for a few minutes, Jack gave up and sat by a tree. He wouldn't cry. But he felt so empty without it… He needed that box; it was now part of him… it was his destiny to BE on that box. He had to get it back. _I must find my way out of here now! _He concluded.With a new wind of determination, he left to explore, ready to face any danger.

It didn't take long until Big boss reached a colossal fallen tree in his way. Or at least his thought it was one.

"Para medic, do you know what this is?" He asked to the radio.

"Let's see… That's definitely a snake skin. The guide here says it's a… No way."

"What is it?"

"It says it's from a 50-foot tall three-headed snake!" she exclaimed, breathless. "It's like that movie I saw yesterday about…"

"Not important. You said a 50 foot tall snake?" Jack asked.

"Yeah! Isn't it amazing? It doesn't say anything about its origins, but apparently this animal has quite a taste for humans. I've never seen anything like it in my entire life!"

"Ok…"

"That's it?" Para medic couldn't believe that answer. "We're talking a bout a building-sized snake with three heads and you got nothing to ask?"

"How does it taste?" Para Medic buried her head in her hands and cried quietly. Big boss didn't hear a thing. "Para Medic?"

"Let's see…" She sighted. "The guide says the entire body of this snake is poisonous to eat, so if you find that thing I recommend you…"

"Capture it alive so I can throw it at guards?" He suggested.

"Have you listened to a thing I just said? I suggest you run. For. Your. Life!" Para medic advised.

Jack kept on his way, thinking about the hilarious reaction he could get by throwing a giant snake at people. But it didn't took long until it started getting dark. Extremely hungry and a bit tired, Big Boss picked the first food he could get his hands on: A little domestic cat that was wandering without an owner. While he was enjoying his twilight meal, tough, he heard some sound from far away.

Picking up his trusty binoculars and sound capitation system, Jack spied on a group of four patrol guards; the most interesting part was that three of them were still young teens. _Child patrol. I must be in some poor or war-torn country._

"So, Asuma sensei…" Choji said. "How long do we have to look for that cat? I'm getting hungry again, and my chips stack is gone."

"Forever." Ino commented, with a conformed voice. "We shall seek for that cat forever."

"Don't worry, Choji." Asuma said, also somewhat tired of all that seaching. We'll find it in no time…"

It was then that Choji noticed two things:

First, his food instincts told him that someone near him had just thought of donuts.

Second, there was an oddly shaped needle on his forehead. As expected for a ninja from a proud family, with years of extensive…

*Thump*

…Nap training, Choji quickly collapsed and begun to sleep.

"Choji?" Ino asked. "You okay?" Asuma, who was a bit more sharp than his student, quickly noticed the needle in his head and said, almost whispering:

"Everyone down! Now!" The two young shinobi obliged quickly, while he searched for the source of the attack. "Do not make a sound."

*RONC!* zzz… *RONC* zzz…

Shikamaru rolled his eyes. _How did my father put up with that behavior is beyond my grasp._ Suddenly, another projectile came after the group; dodging quickly, Asuma Sarutobi dashed towards the target, while clenching his pair of unique blades. Another needle came right at his forehead; with a swift sidestep he passed by it, always nearing the target.

Any _normal _CIA agent would be surprised to see an enemy dodge a bullet, but Big boss had faced so many of those he lost count a long time ago. _Whoever he is, tough_, He thought, _he's probably a boss of some kind._ The boss he was facing leaped at him, with two strange knifes on his hands. The agent simply rolled to the side, and passed by unharmed.

Asuma _was _expecting a dodge, but he didn't know it would be so low. So low, in fact, his extended chakra blades failed to hit the target, and he was left in a vulnerable position the next moment. _This is it_, he thought, _I guess that's my punishment for smoking on a shounen series._

But instead of a kunai or jutsu, Asuma was hit by something light and small. When he opened his eyes, tough, whatever that thing was exploded in a blinding light. All he could see was white, and soon his neck was being enveloped by an arm, and he felt a distinctive metallic cold touching his jugular.

"Speak." The intruder said, scratching the blade on his neck.

"Speak what?" Asuma replied.

"Huh?"

"You want me to speak, as in to talk with you? I'm not a therapist."

"No, no!" Snake tightened the grip. Of all the people he had ever caught, he had never met anyone _that_ incompetent. "Where's the nearest base? Speak!"

"And what if I don't?" Asuma asked. _Just a little more… I'm seeing it already._

Big boss could barely believe his words. _This is NOT being a good day. Maybe if I kill him I'll feel better._

But he couldn't move. For some reason, his arm seemed to be rebelling against him. _And it just keeps getting better._

"Heh. Your peripheral vision is awful." Shikamaru said, loosening his arms and forcing Big Boss to do the same. "Oh well… This ended quickly, at least. Don't even bother to try something, tough. My shadow imitation jutsu is inescapable."

"I'm happy you came, Shikamaru." Asuma said, cleaning some dirt from his shoulder, and ignoring the slow mental meltdown his enemy was suffering. "Alright then, let's bring this thug back to Konoha." He hit Snake with the blunt part of his blade, knocking him out immediately. "But, where's Ino?"

"Ugh!" Ino groaned, while using inhuman strength to drag Choji closer. "Thanks a lot, Shikamaru! Do you even know what "team work" means?"

"Yes, Shikamaru." Asuma agreed, on a reprehensive tone. "We should find a fair way to split these two weights between the three of us."

"That's Right, sensei." She continued, closing her eyes for a moment of satisfaction. But when she opened her eyes again, both were gone.

"Asuma-sensei…? You lazy bastards! You'll pay for this!" Ino screamed into the night.


	3. Chapter 3

Chapter 3: Konoha's top class prison system.

Author's Note: Some Japanese names and translations might be a bit off, due to google translator's reduced effectiveness. If you find any glaring errors, please point them out and I'll correct as soon as I can.

It was 8 o'clock, and Naruto Uzumaki was doing exactly what you would expect from such a badass ninja: Drinking his bedtime milk. But before he could finish, he heard a large group of people passing by. Curious, he put his walking clothes and followed them to the Hokage street.

A large group of people were following team 10, which had just gone back from their mission. Asuma had his usual cigar, and everyone seemed very tired, specially Ino, who seemed to be whispering something to herself.

But there was another person with them. It was wearing a camouflage, like a sound ninja, but with different colors. He had a bandana, but there was no indication from witch village. _And that's an awesome eye patch, _Naruto thought. Curious about that stranger, he approached team 10.

"So how was your mission?" He asked. "Did you catch that…"

"We didn't have to catch anything, Naruto." Asuma explained. "It was just a recon mission."

"But you said it was…"

"IT WAS A RECON MISSION!" Ino interrupted the blonde ninja.

"Alright, Alright!" Naruto said. "But who is that ninja with you guys?"

"This guy?" Shikamaru asked. "We're not even sure he's a ninja. He hasn't been very talkative since we caught him." Snake nodded in agreement.

"Really? Did you ask him anything yet?" Big boss shook his head in response. "I see. Tell me then, what's your name?"

"Sorry Naruto," Choji said "But we must bring him to the Hokage first. It's what we do to prisoners."

Saying that, they left to the hokage's room. Naruto, being Naruto, didn't take too much time thinking about anything they said and went after them. _After all, if I try really hard, I'll get what I want. That's the whole point of this show, right? _And he kept going, unaware of the real truth. The truth about exactly _where _he was.

Tsunade was sleeping over a few papers when the shinobi team arrived. Since that wasn't something uncommon, they entered already. Shizune was nowhere to be seen, and there were a few sake bottles around.

"Tsunade-sama?" Ino asked. "Could you please wake up?"

"Hm… Fighting dreamers… zzz… Just go my way…" She mumbled. The kunoichi came closer and touched the kage's forehead. "Huh? It wasn't me! It's my twin sister who gambles!" She exclaimed, falling from her chair. "…Who is it?" Tsunade tried to get up, holding on the chair, but she ended in the ground again.

"It's us, Lady tsunade!" Ino said, leaning forward on the desk so she could see her. "Team 10. We found a thug in our recon mission."

"Oh, It's you, Ion. *Hic*. Can you please tell me why are you standing on the wall?"

"Tsunade-sama," Asuma said, also leaning towards her. "You're on the floor."

"I see." Tsunade answered, like someone who had just learned a secret. "Can you tell me why I am in the floor?

"…I was going to ask you that." He replied.

"What's happening over there?" Choji asked, leaning forward to see the scene better.

But, sadly, his huge "bones" failed to occupy the same space as the desk, which slid rapidly to the back wall of the office. Everyone who had been leaning on it fell over the kage. Asuma's cigar, witch the reader didn't think it was important, fell over Tsunade'se hair. It caught on fire.

"AAAAH!" The Kage screamed, hitting her head with the nearest liquid: A half-empty sake bottle. A fireball exploded, burning the ceiling. "Shizune, where are you!"

"Ugh, what a drag." Shikamaru commented.

Outside, in the office door, the guards could hear everything:

"A scream for Shizune-chan, a bottle breaking, and something seems to be on fire…" Said one of the pair, who was still new to the guard job. "Do you think Tsunade-sama is alright?"

"Don't worry." Said the other one. "It's probably just _that _time of the month."

The other guard nodded, shivering slightly.

In the mean time, Tsunade rolled in the ground, shouting, and team 10 was working hard on trying to find some way to put it out, but no one had any water for the fire. The shinobi efficiently spread to find some water, roaming anywhere they could for water. What they didn't expect, tough, was shizune coming back with the food the hokage asked for a few minutes ago.

"Tsu-TSUNADE-SAMA!" She exclaimed, putting her hands in front of her, partly in surprise, partly because of the heat. "What are you doing?"

"Hey, shizune!" Tsunade exclaimed, standing like nothing was happening. "I *hic* was shouting because I got so hungry my head caught *hic* on fire!" She exclaimed. "…Or something like that. *Hic* I can't really remember." The kage said, with her index finger on the chin and the calmest expression in the world.

Shortly after, a bucket of water fell over her head, putting out the fire and working like a stylish hat at the same time. The group of shinobi appeared at the window a few moments after.

"Allright, maybe NOW we can talk." Asuma said, scrathing the back of his head. "Oh, It's you, Shizune-chan. As you can see, we've had a little situation here."

"Good grief, Tsunade-sama!" Shizune exclaimed, approaching her. "Can't I leave you alone just for a little while? Are you allright?"

"Yes, Yes." She answered. "Now, go set my meal while team 7 gives me the mission report."

"It's team, 10, actually." Said choji.

"Right, Chijo. So please seat, team 8. Just wait… *Hic* A moment." Tsunade then touched her head and used a little medical ninjutsu to get her head back in track. "Allright, you can speak now."

It didn't take long until the whole situation was explained. Well, the whole situation minus the lost cat, which most people had forgotten by then.

"I see." The kage said, looking deadly serious if it weren't for the bucket on her head. _I would remove it, but I'm afraid of what's waiting under_, she concluded. "So he's in prison right now?"

"No, we left him with the front guards." Ino explained.

"I see. Deliver him to interrogation and send all his equipment to the investigation department. That's all." Choji, Ino and Shikamaru nodded and left the room. Asuma asked:

"So, any chance you can teach me that anti-hangover jutsu?"

They both chuckled. He knew very well she'd never teach someone such a carefree jutsu. In fact, he would probably be in trouble for even commenting such a skill existed. _A shame, really._ But before he could leave, an orange blur ran over him.

"Hey Ba-chan! How are you doing?" Naruto asked.

"Naruto, you little…" Asuma started.

"What do you want, Naruto?" Tsunade asked.

"What do you mean?" The blonde ninja asked.

"You never come here JUST to see if I'm allright."

"Fine! You wanna know?" He asked, pointing his thumb to himself. "I wanna interrogate that guy you just caught! Just tell me want to know and I'll get it from him!"

"Ugh, Naruto…" Tsunade _should _ask Naruto why, but she really didn't want to know. But the fact the kid was interested in the prisoner was a serious issue. _He won't give up on that idea, unless… _"Sorry, but I refuse your 'opportunity', no matter how good it may be."

"But Baa-chan…" He plead.

"Go home and sleep, Naruto. That's an order. And, Asuma, would you mind escorting him home?"

"Well," Asuma started. "I'm a little tired, and my mission is done already…"

"Ugh…" The kage groaned, rubbing her forehead. "I'll teach you the jutsu…"

"Let's go, Naruto!" Asuma said, dragging Naruto despite his greatest protests. "You must be very tired."

"Don't you dare teach it anyone else!" Tsunade shouted.

The shinobi left, leaving only her in the room. She waved her hand, and Naruto's sensei entered the room.

"Jiraya." Tsunade said. "How long had you been watching we talk?"

"Not for long." He said, with the hint of a smile. "When Naruto leaves his house in the night for no reason, I tend to follow him. You know, safety precautions."

"Well, I think you heard enough then. Can I count to you to make sure Naruto doesn't do anything reckless tonight?"

"You bet!" He said, chuckling. "So, can I see 'it'?"

The fifth hokage sighted, and then removed her bucket hat. The room gained a new source of light as Tsunade's new baldness reflected the office lamp. Jiraya could barely control his laugher, felling on his knees and coughing, breathless. That didn't last long, tough, as he was punched out of the building with amazing force. _Why did I even show him? _The kage asked herself._ He still thinks that frogs are funny. But… How bad am I? _Searching for her desk, she found her personal mirror and opened it.

"AAAAAHHHHH!" Her scream filled the air.

And, somewhere, Jiraya chuckled and coughed a little blood.

-2 Hours later-

Jiraya watched his student coming back from the bathroom and finally going to sleep. _He was pretty uneasy at the start, but now he seems to have relaxed a bit. Now, to work! _The shinobi picked a pen and a piece of paper and continued to write his newest work, a book so magnificent it would stay in people's minds for generations. _This should be a quiet night…_

Meanwhile, Naruto rested peacefully. Or at least his clone did.

Tsunade was trying to find some way to cover her grotesque baldness: She tried hats, buckets, hoodies and even a pan, but nothing seemed to work well. In her last desperate attempt, she covered her face in bandages, leaving only the eyes visible. In that moment, the interrogation chief assigned for the mysterious attacker entered the room and bowed.

"Tsunade-sama… Are you hurt?" He asked, concerned.

"Just my pride… You can stand now." He obliged. "So… Hm… What's your name again?"

"My family didn't give me a name, but everyone calls me… Fido."

Somewhere, very far away, EVA moaned for no apparent reason.

"I see… Well, Fido-san, what did you find about the prisoner?"

"Our interrogation went very badly, Tsunade-sama." Fido revealed. "He wouldn't say anything, and he didn't even nod." The kage nodded. "But the equipment inspection did reveal some important data… Apparently, he has all kinds of strange ninja tools, most of which we are still researching how to use yet. But, most importantly, he seems to have a very exquisite jutsu implanted on his backpack: No matter what you put inside it, it's never full! And it is weightless! And we'll need days to uncover all the secrets his many uniforms have."

"I understand. I think we can call it off for the day. Send the personnel home early and put him in the emptiest prison out there. We'll try again tomorrow. That's it."

"Hai!" Fido said, leaving her room. She removed the bandages. _Now… maybe if I put a beanie…_

_ -_30 minutes later-

Big boss woke up with a familiar view: A prison cell. He was tired physically and mentally. Without any logical explanation, they forgot to take his radio, allowing him to speak freely with whoever he wanted. And on top of that, someone had stolen his shirt but not his pants. _Hm, so it's exactly like last time. _The only thing left was finding an incompetent guard named Johnny. _But how am I going to leave this time? _Searching the room very well, he didn't found anything, not even a rat to eat. But he had one more trick in mind; Snake searched his shoe and found his famed fake death pill. Now the only thing left was to found a guard…

…Which fell right in front of his cell, unconscious. He seemed like a person who had just taken a punch. _Someone's saving me?_ And, after the guy, a blonde kid in orange jumped in front of the guard; he was searching for something. After a while, he had found it; the keys.

Like if it was nothing, the boy opened the cell door and sat, legs crossed, in front of Big Boss.

"Hey again!" He said, like someone talking to an old friend. "So, now that everyone's out of the way, tell me already. What's your name?"

Bog boss evaluated the kid. The cell door had been left open, so he could assume that he was either trying to show his trust for him a complete idiot. _Since he defeated that guard, I'll have to believe the kid wants me to trust him. _

Meanwhile, Nartuo also examined the prisoner thoughtfully. _Where did he buy that eye patch? I always wanted to have one!_ Naruto imagined himself, but with an eye patch. _Yep, I'd be awesome._

"My name…" Snake stated. He wasn't sure what to say. _Trust. You need his trust. _"..Is John."

"Nice! I am Uzumaki Naruto! And I'm going to become a Hokage!" Naruto said, grinning and point to himself in a way only he could do. "Now that I know your name, John-san, let's start the questionnaire!" He exclaimed, taking a sheet and a pencil out of nowhere. "What village are you from?"

"Huh?" Snake wasn't quite sure how to react to all that was happening.

"You know, your village! The place you're from." The blonde ninja explained.

"It's confidential."

"Why are you here?"

"Someone I don't know sent me here, against my will." Big Boss explained.

"Well, yeah. That's what happens when you get arrested."

"Not this cell. I was sent in the forest against my will. Then I saw some guards…"

"Must have been Shikamaru and his buddies."

"And, naturally, I decided to take them out."

"WHAT?" Naruto exclaimed. "Why would you kill someone you don't know?"

"I wouldn't kill anyone. My guns have a narcoleptic function." Upon seeing the utterly confused face of Naruto, John explained: "They make people sleep."

"That's awesome! Can I see it?"

"Oh yes, in a moment." He answered, with his most vicious grin, usually reserved for surprise bee nest attack victims. "But first, I want to know something. Where are we?"

"Well, I can't tell you exactly…" The shinobi explained, rubbing his chin. "But I can tell you it's somewhere in the land of fire."

"I see. And you seem to have soldiers formed very young. Why is it that?" _The most information I gather, the better I can find my position, _Snake concluded. From the forests' appearance and the low-level technology, he could infer that he was probably somewhere in the Amazon. _Somewhere with blonde people_ _in orange jumpsuits._

_ '_"Yes, yes, we in Konohagakure are proud of forming ninjas with a very young age!" Naruto said, completely shattering Snake's expectations. _A ninja?_

_ "_Just one more question. Where's the village gate?"

"The gate? Its northeast from here. There're always a couple of guards watching at the right. Why do you ask?"

"No reason. So, do you want to see how my weapon works?"

"Allright! Let's go!" The blonde ninja exclaimed. _After I show Tsunade baa-chan how good of an interviewer I am, she's finally going to see my REAL worth!_

_ -_Tsunade's office, five minutes later-

Tsunade was focusing on her newest jutsu. It was an invention out of necessity, like most great jutsu out there. Fortunately, her extensive medical knowledge gave her the edge she needed. And Ibiki would be forever thankful to her.

"Sūpā kami seichō no Jutsu!" (Super capillary growth no jutsu!)

"Tsunade-sama, the prisoner…! Tsunade-sama?" The cell's guard could not believe his sight: A blonde monster consisting of a giant tuff of hair seemed to be _staring _at him. 'it' raised a hand, and said, dramatically:

"Ifff Mghhh Tfgunhdpff!" The creature roared.

The shinobi grabbed his kunai, trembling. _Did that thing killed Tsunade-sama?_ As the monster approached slowly, hands towards him. _I'm gonna die! _With great ease, it stole his kunai, raising it for the lethal strike. With a swift slash, the overgrown hair dropped. And so did the horrified shinobi, who had the terrifting view of what was _under _it.

"Well, I mifft Have ecgageffated a little." Tsunade, the monstrous sasquatch with overgrown facial hair, commented. The guard fell unconscious.

Five minutes of radical depilation later, he woke up again.

"So, what did you want to inform me?" The Kage asked.

"Well… Can I leave to enter dramatically?" He asked. "It's my only scene in the entire series."

"Do it, but fast."

…

"Tsunade-sama!" The guard exclaimed, entering the room again. He was also faking a lack of breath. "The prisoner has escaped!"

"Which one?" She asked.

"The thug we brought today!"

_Great._

"Tsunade-sama!" Another guard appeared after the other one, breathing heavily. "The prisoner's stash was assaulted!"

_Just… Great._

"Tsunade-sama!" Shizune appeared, carrying a familiar blonde ninja on her back, with a needle on his forehead. "We found Naruto-kun in the unknown weaponry stash! He seems to be sleeping against his will, though."

_This is it! Heads will roll._

"You!" She pointed the first guard. "Soar the alarm. Set all the preparations for plan N."

"Hai!" The guard ran off.

"You!" She pointed the other guard. "Bring me Jiraya. He's near Naruto's house."

"Hai!"

"And Shizune," She said, more calmly but still furious. "Wake up Sakura-chan. Tell her we'll do some special training she'll _never_ forget. And tell her to bring her gloves too; Things will get messy here."

"Hai…" Her subordinate nodded, and disappeared.

_Now… _She concluded. _All I have to do is wait. Everything should go down as expected._

It was then when her new hair fell off from her head.

_At least the thing has some sense of humor._


	4. Chapter 4

Chapter 4: The part in which Snake gets in a cave and Naruto sets off to rescue someone.

Two unnamed guards were talking freely at the front gate, to pass some time.

"So, how much screen time do you think we got?" Asked one of them.

"Not much. We don't even have a name!"

They laughed a bit, took one needle to the head each, and set off to the wonders of induced sleep. Big Boss quickly passed by them and ran to the forest, breathing heavily, but finally back in control. _Thanks, 'Naruto'. I'll never forget your idiocy. _

-The Hokage's Room-

Tsunade and her student were training some hard punches in cylindrical training punching bags. They were connected to iron bars and spun wildly with each hit.

"Hyaa!" Tsunade shouted, punching the bag with enough force to break the iron bar and send it flying against the wall, destroying the external layer. Inside, the was none other than Jiraya.

"I think it's enough for me, Tsunade-sama." Sakura said. "We should have been after that escapee by now."

"I suppose you're right." Her master answered. "So, how do you feel now?"

"I feel in heaven!" Sakura answered, excited. "This is the best thing that I've ever done…"

"Há!" Naruto exclaimed, from inside the other punching bag. "I always knew you love to touch me! Believe it!"

Sakura was getting ready to show Naruto what true pain feels like when Shizune entered the office. She informed:

"Lady Tsunade, we have gathered everyone we need for plan N."

"Sorry Sakura, I the training is over." Tsunade informed. "Shizune, do you mind patching these two?"

She nodded. _Good grief, they are strong. _Shizune Thought. Two of the office's walls were beyond repair, and Jiraya was out cold. _Well, they deserve it. _

After the two shinobi were ready to go, the Hokage went outside: a large mass of competent ninjas and Naruto were gathered in front of her. But not just any ninjas; Tsunade had picked only the right personnel for the job. In front of everyone, she must have had a serious and respectful expression, if it weren't for the pink bear beanie on her head.

"Good night for everyone, and my apologies for waking you all up." She announced. "We have a little situation: someone escaped our prison. Our sources confirmed already that the fillers won't end until we find that person. To avoid causalities, I have gathered every character important enough to have his name mentioned in the series to help us." Since it was a filler, Tsunade knew no important character could die. "And let plan 'Named Taskforce' begin."

"Ugh, I don't want to be the party popper," Said Shikamaru, "But where do we begin?"

"Good question." Answered Tsunade.

Then she slammed the door shut, with her inside.

"What a drag…" The shinobi replied.

"Let's go already!" Naruto objected, and the mighty N Taskforce left konoha. _I'm gonna bring him back, no matter the cost. Yeah, that sounds original enough, _the blonde ninja concluded.

There was, tough, another person inside the Hokage's tower still.

"Jiraya, I've got one more thing for you to do; this time, try not to screw with it."

"Anything." The shinobi said, smiling on the outside. _Who am I to say no? _He thought, shivering on the inside.

"If they take too long to bring him back, or if anything fishy shows up, kill the guy."

"No problem… But could I suggest something? "Jiraya said, sliding slowly towards the door. "_I _Think it is in best interest of everyone if I kill some time before going… You know, do some 'research', so they have a fighting chance."

It was inevitable, but Jiraya still remained surprised when kicked out of the tower as an ultimatum to do his mission. _Well, I had to try. _Resolved with his situation, the Sanin took an alternative way to leave the village. One which just happened to pass by Konoha's hot springs. Not that anything could diminish his resolve to complete his mission. _Maybe I'1ll do just a little research. For… For literature! _He concluded, satisfied with what he came up with.

Bog boss run though the forest, knowing there would soon be many child soldiers coming after him. _And dogs, probably. I hate those dogs._ In the brink of desperation and unable to find another place, he was forced to explore a cave to sleep for a while, and communicate with his team. Surely, they would be patiently waiting to give him the adequate instructions for his next step.

"Snake? Snake! SNAAAAAKE!" Major Zero called on the radio.

"I'm here, Major."

"Oh, good. I thought…"

"…I was dead." Snake completed.

"Yes. Using our state-of-the-art scanners, we were able to see everything which has happened to you in real time, so there's no need to report." Major Zero explained.

"Why are you telling this to me?" Snake asked.

"You have a bad memory." Major explained.

"Really? I don't remember ever forgetting something important." Big boss objected.

"See how bad your memory is?" He noticed.

"Signit, can you help me?" The agent tried, ignoring his boss the best he could.

"Yes, man, no problem." Signit answered. "I see you have recovered everything you had, except for one thing… Why do you think they took your narcoleptic cigars?"

"I have no idea."

- The Hokage's tower…-

"Do you think he's okay?" Ino asked, shaking Asuma's snoring body.

"Well, I suppose we can't leave without our sensei." Shikamaru said. "We'll be forced to wait here and watch the clouds until he wakes up. "

"Isn't that wrong?" Choji asked.

"We can have chips if you want, too."

"Yes, poor sensei. We MUST take care of him!" The akimichi replied, following his most basic family instincts.

-The cave-

"So," Signit continued, "you also seem to have some new equipment! But what on my grandma's name is that?"

"I'm not sure." Snake answered, holding the paper bomb kunai with curiosity. "It's shape suggests a climbing tool, but it has really sharp edges. There's also some drawings in the paper." Snake concluded.

"That looks like Japanese to me." Signit noticed. "I better call a specialist." There was a moment of silence while he looked for Para-medic. "Para-medic, what are you doing?"

"Me?" She asked. "I'm reading this really nice comic book about a hyperactive 12 year old blonde ninja called Naruto Uzumaki who wants to become the leader of his village!" She explained.

"I don't care what you're… Wait, is that release date right? How did you get your hands in something from the 21st century?"

"How does Snake have equipments 2 to 5 years ahead of production time?" She answered."

"Touché." He replied.

"But, how's the situation with snake?"

Signit explained the whole situation for her, while snake slowly, but steadily, connected the dots.

"Snake, I believe we are in a confuse situation." Para medic said.

"I think I got it already." Big boss confirmed.

"Good, good… So now that you know your current situation," Para-medic said. "Can you give me an autograph from Naruto?"

"…"

"C'mon, please?" She asked. "Pretty please?"

"Para-medic, control yourself." Major finally intervened. "So this is you current situation, Snake: You're being pursued by child warriors with unexplainable powers, without any support of any kind. All you can do is find your way home."

_Thankfully, _Snake thought, _My team is here to help me._

"So good luck with that." The major concluded.

"What? Major?"

The only answer was interference sounds. Or, rather, the Major trying to reproduce interference sounds in a ridiculous manner.

"Shhhhh…" Major Zero's voice slowly faded.

Without anything to do, Snake made a fire to keep himself warm, and sit there, inside the cave, waiting for the alert bar and the catchy music to disappear. Curious, he picked the exploding tag kunai he stole and slowly analyzed it, turning the object atop the fire so he could see it better. _But what does it do?_ Big boss still didn't quite know what to do with it. _Maybe if I…_

"DINAMIC ENTRY!" Maito Gai Exclaimed, appearing from the entrance of the cave with a lightning fast flying kick. Shocked, Snake released the kunai to defend himself from the attacker, out of the most pure agent instinct. Needless to say, the kunai fell over the fire.

A massive ball of fire escaped from the cave entrance, almost reaching the three Genin from team Gai, propelling their crispy sensei outside and releasing a cloud of smoke.

"DINAMIC EXIT!" Gai shouted, before going unconscious.

"Why can't we just _plan something_?" The girl of team guy asked, but no one was interested in what she had to say.

"GAI SENSEI!" Rock Lee exclaimed, running to see if his sensei was all right."

"Ooh… Fighting dreamers…" Gai said, in a dizzy tone. "…Just go my way…" He was, despite all, overall still in good state.

"We should enter the cave." Neji suggested. "The enemy must have been damaged by the explosion too."

"What if there are other traps?" The girl asked.

But before the Hyuuga could answer, a hail of machine gun bullets and a semi-psychotic scream came from inside the cave. The genin could just barely dodge its incredible speed.

"A ranged attack?" The kunoichi said. "I'm on it. Kuchiose No jutsu! (Summoing Jutsu!)"

Using two special summoning scrolls, Ninenine summoned a massive hail of ninja weaponry against Snake's bullets, unable to see though the smoke. Bullet hit shuriken, and sparks filled the cave entrance. While Lee was too busy crying over his not dead sensei, Neji did try to do something:

"Byakugan!" He exclaimed, and his eyes bulged and became white. "Impossible…"

"What is it?" Twenty asked, while summoning even more ninja tools.

"I can't see anything… It's like your enemy has no chakra!" He explained.

"But that would mean he's utterly useless. And if he's fighting me equally, then…"

"…Then?" Neji asked.

"Shut up. Look, the bullets stopped." When she finally settled down, the kunoichi noticed that some bullets actually made past the hail and hit her. She collapsed, but unfortunately no one noticed. Or cared.

"This looks suspicious." The Hyuuga commented. "We should take care and…"

"The guy's dead!" Lee commented. "Good work TenTen! We should enter the cave gallantly to get our prize!" The ninja showed his thumb and his smile shone some brilliant light. "What are you waiting? Let's go!"

"You have _got _to be kidding me." Neji commented, watching his team member heroically enter the cave. "Maybe we could let him be. What do you think, Tenten?" But when he waited for an answer, none came. He should probably find her. _Nah, she's not that important._

"DINAMYC ENTRY!" Lee shouted, entering the cave in a flying kick. But there wasn't anyone, except for piles of ninja tools. "Where are you, foe?" Lee shouted. "Show yourself or you'll succumb to the power of youth!"

Eventually Neji came by to help him. They searched the entire cave: It was small, and didn't have any trace other than a used paper bomb and a dead fire.

"Ah, this is ridiculous!" Rock said, sitting by a cave wall. "Hey, alligator, did you see him?" He asked to a suspicious-looking alligator right next to him. It shook its head negatively. "Great. He left right in front of our noses and we don't have a clue!"

"Yes, this _is,_ indeed, ridiculous." Neji agreed. The head shaking alligator was fairly suspicious for him, but he was too busy with his own theory. _This must have been a decoy. The foe was never in this cave, and the trap took us precious time._ "We should get moving. Is the sensei all right?"

"Yeah, he should be." Lee said. "It was just a little paper bomb, after all. Gai sensei is stronger than that!"

But it was once they resumed pursuing the target when Neji had that sense that something was wrong, almost missing. But it didn't take long until the feeling went away.

"Ugh…" The kunoichi whose name the narrator can't remember got up, covering her would with her hand. "Neji? Lee? Where are you guys? Why nobody cares about me? And why can't I win a fair fight?" No one answered. She did see, tough, a shadow leering out of the cave, with a hat shaped like a crocodile. "Hey you! Come here!" The shadow stopped, and looked at her injured body. Whatever that crocodile-thing was, it gave her a medic pack and ran away from Neji and Lee.

_He noticed me! _Tensomething thought. _This is a one in a lifetime chance. _She got up, ignoring the wounds, and ran after the guy who cared. _He's definitely my true love!_

Snake kept running from the shouting wounded girl and from the other two as fast as he could, until a reasonable distance was set. Once calmed down, he got his radio on again.

"Hello, Snake." Major Zero greeted.

"What?" Snake asked. "Aren't you going to ask me if I'm dead? They just cornered me in a dark cave!"

"Of course not! I have a profound trust in your agent abilities." The major explained.

"So, did you get that autograph yet?" Para Medic asked.

"I've got more important things in my list. Like _surviving._" Snake explained.

"Oooh burn!" Signit commented.

_Why do I still try to reach them? _The fox agent shut down his radio and kept his way, all by himself now. _At least there weren't any dogs._

- Not far away form there –

"Did you pick his scent yet, Akamaru?" Kiba asked.

"It's useless. My bugs didn't detect any chakra in the proximities." Shino reported.

"Well, that doesn't matter." Kiba said. "cause dogs are way better than bugs."

"Stop being idiotic." Shino commented, his pride secretly hurt.

"Only if you stop buggin' me! Get it? Bugging me?"

Hinata let a sigh, and did her best effort not to think of Naruto. But since that wouldn't be in character, she failed to do so. _ Oh, Naruto-kun… Why the author won't let me stop thinking of you?"_

"Wait! Akamaru's got a scent."

"You place too much trust in that smelly ball of fur." Shino commented, achieving his secretly planned vengeance. Or, rather, his revengeance. _Wait, that name is just stupid. Why would anyone use it?_

"You two can stop now." Kurenai demanded. Since the two of them still had fresh memories of her 'psychological training', they obliged immediately. "Let's follow akamaru's scent. If he gets us anywhere, we report and get back home. All right?" She had been awakened from her beauty sleep, and had entered, as Asuma once put it, 'bitch mode.' The three genin nodded and resumed searching.

"Woof Woof!"

"Look, this isn't getting us anywhere." Shino said, after a few minutes. "We should…"

"Woof Woof!"

"I'm sure we'll find him eventually." Hinata commented.

"Woof Woof!"

"Would you STOP BARKING, Kiba!" Shino asked. "I can't take that horrible sound all day."

"I was talking to akamaru." Kiba commented. "He seems to have found the direction of the scent. Oh, and he also thinks bugs are stupid."

"Woof Woof!" Akamaru confirmed. "Woof Woof!"

"Wait! I think that's it!" The Inuzuka commented. His dog pointed right, and team Kurenai sprinted to the target, anxious to have a nice night of sleep.

_Stupid dogs. _Shino concluded.

Big boss was traveling the land with caution when things started going awry. Everything became pink, with petals everywhere. Behind him, there was a tree, holding him with insurmountable strength. _What is this now? Narcotics?_ From the tree, a brunette in white appeared with that strange climbing tool of before. She had red eyes. _Yeah, definitely narcotics, _He concluded.

Kurenai was ready to take the shot and unload all her anger in the man, when _it_ turned. Whatever that crocodile thing was, it scared the crap out of her, cancelling the carefully crafted genjutsu and leaving him out of her grasp.

When Snake heard barks and growls, he did exactly like a highly trained soldier would do and froze in place, unwilling to look back. If he didn't move, perhaps the monster wouldn't leap at him.

"There he is!" Shouted a young voice behind him. "Get him, Akamaru!"

When Big boss turned himself, his was greeted with the horrifying image… Of a puppy. _You have got to be kidding me. _But it was a strange puppy. It was red tough, and growled aggressively. But it was what 'it' did just afterwards that really made the point. Starting to spin in an inhuman speed, the little dog formed a tunnel of diabolic destruction and claws coming right at him.

Brave as he was, Snake ran for his life with all the speed he could muster and shout wildly for help. Which was, in retrospective, not a very good idea. Soon there was another tunnel of destruction after him. _Even the dogs are worse here._ _This place is hell._ _And all I wanted… Was donuts._

Suddenly, another figure appeared in his front, wearing a grey jacket. He said:

"He's mine, Kiba. Go, my spineless minions."

Bugs appeared from his skin, from the coat, everywhere, and formed around the boy's hands. Once more, any other FOX agent would be surprised, but Snake had it coming and immediately put the Pain's special outfit. He zipped by Shino, taking all the bugs with him.

"WHAT!" The Abudarme asked. As Kiba passed by, Shino could swear he saw a tongue pointing at him. "Bugs! Wait! Come back to your master!" He ran after the foe.

"My turn!" Hinata said, showing up in front of Snake. "BYAKUGAN!" She screamed, and her eyes bulged. Seeing perfectly the chakra of her enemy, she positioned and informed: "Trigam! 32 Palms!"

Hinata then proceeded to kick Kiba's ass all the way back to their sensei. She removed the Byakugan, happy with a mission accomplished. _That's how you do it, guys. Girl power!_

"Why…" Kiba asked, before passing out. Akamaru faithfully returned for his master and licked him.

"Oops!" The hyuuga said. "Wrong guy…" Meanwhile, Shino eventually gave up on getting his bugs back and returned.

"Good work team!" Kurenai said. "Mission accomplished!"

"But we didn't…" Shino started.

"I said mission accomplished!" She insisted, glaring.

"Yes sensei. We did a good job." The Abudarme confirmed. "But I'll miss my bugs…" He cleaned a tear from his face.

But before they left, the bugs came back, in a massive cloud.

"Bugs! You came back!" Shino greeted, waving his arms around them like a hug. "Never do that again to me!"

"Come on, kids, let's go home." Kurenai ordered.


	5. Chapter 5

Chapter 5: Where the nonsense ends… And also the story.

Team 7 sprinted between the trees. They were hopping at the same pace, almost if the branches where placed in equal intervals just to make it easier to animate. Kakashi heard a communication on his suspiciously futuristic headset and stopped immediately. Sakura did what any ninja should, and fell light as a feather in the nearest branch. Naruto hit another branch with his belly, and was catapulted backwards.

"Aahh!" He screamed, disappearing in the leaves.

"I see. Hmm. All right, I'll do it as fast as I can." Hatake mumbled.

"It's the mission control?" Sakura asked. "What did it say?"

"Actually it's just momma." He answered. "She wants soup for tonight. Wait – Now it's mission control. What is it?"

"Hatake-san, we tracked the enemy's locations!" The headset said. "Travel a few miles northeast from your location and set a perimeter."

"No problem." Kakashi confirmed and explained Sakura the situation.

"Should we warn Naruto?" She asked.

"Drag him with us, and make sure he doesn't do anything that ruins the mission. Can you do that?"

"I don't know. I really wanted to win a fight once."

"When we finish this, there will be…" Kakashi thought… "Three years left until you do that."

"Hm… Can I punch Naruto instead?"

"As much as you want."

"Thank you sensei!" Sakura said, going after the blonde ninja.

"_There's something on all this that bugs me, tough. _Kakashi thought. _Momma NEVER asks for soup on Saturdays._

Snake, fighting to catch some breath, sit by a rock, in a clereance. He had ran too much for one night. Maybe, if could just close his eyes a little bit…

"There you are!" A familiar blonde ninja shouted. "I've finally found you!"

_Again?_ However, this time he was accompanied by a legion of ninjas, of all sizes and shapes. They didn't seem very happy to spend a weekend chasing some random guy they never met. Luckly, a few of them seemed to still have some patience with him. On of them, who had something covering his right eye and some strange disease that gave him white hair, asked:

"So, will you give up or make this messy? It's your call." Kakashi asked.

Snake, noticing the hopeless situation, lowered his gun, and was prepared to drop it. _Then, when they're distracted, I'll blow them with the RPG._

"NOT SSSSSO FASSSST!" a diabolical voice hissed.

"What he said." Sasuke complemented, rather stoic.

In the middle of the clearance, three figures appeared. One was Orochimaru; Sasuke and Kabuto were by his sides. And, not far, stood The Bonus, wearing his ominous white cape.

"You guys…" Kakashi said, opening his one eye. "Someone call tsunade!" Everyone but Naruto and Sakura left, shouting in desperation. _I don't like where this is going._

"I ssssupose now is the time to reveal our secret plan." Orochimaru said. "Sasuke, use your new jutsu!"

"Do I really have to use it?" He asked.

"If you want power, you better do it." His master informed.

Sasuke began combining a massive chain of hand signs to execute his jutsu; team seven stood anxiety, unsure of what could happen. For a time, all that could be heard was his hands dancing in multiple positions. Altough Naruto was sure that he did show him the middle finger a couple times. In the end, he activated the Sharingan and shouted the name of his evil technique:

"Hokusoende Inai Waru no jutsu! (Evil gloating no jutsu!)"

_Oh good, another Guy with red eye. _Snake thought.

"Muahahaha…" Sasuke laughed maniacally. "Don't you see, underlings? Your life ends now!"

"Why?" Naruto asked. "Whis is a filler, I can't die. For long, at least.

"You see, this is where you hear the painful truth, Naruto!" Sasuke gloated.

"Of where babies come from? Yeah, I heard that already." Naruto replied.

"No, no! The truth about _where you are_. You, Naruto, are in a fan fiction!"

Silence reigned upon hearing that horrendous name. There were legends of such things; worlds where the characters don't know they are in a fan fiction, and are forced to do the most ridiculous things someone had ever thought of… And then there were the _Mary Sues_. The first time he had learned about them, Naruto could not sleep at night. _It… it can't be true!_

-Meanwhile, in konoha-

"Lady Tsunade!" Shouted the ninja at the front door. "we have a situation!" She opened the door, wearing pants as a hat and with bags in the eyes, like someone who had just woke up.

"Yaaawn… What is it?"

"Looks like Orochimaru was behind the thug's escape all along!"

Without the need for further information, Tsunade prepared her mount to reach the scene the fastest possible:

"Kuchiyose no jutsu!" A giant slug appeared. "Katsuyu, I need you to take me to this location." She said, holding a map. "As fast as you can!"

"Yes, Lady Tsunade." The giant slug said. She then sprinted t the ligthining speed of…

…1mph.

"Are you sure you're not better off running?" Asked the ninja.

"Of course not! Can't you see how fast my slug is?" The kage asked.

"Actually, no."

"That's because we're so fast it leaves an afterimage!" She explained.

"Oh, how stupid of me! Godspeed, Lady Tsunade!"

- Back to the heroes –

"Yes, it is a painful truth to hear, isn't it?" Asked Sasuke, his eyes with a sick look. "And you know what happens in fan fiction, Naruto?"

"Funny pairings?" Naruto asked.

"People _die,_ Naruto. Anyone who the author doesn't like, even the main protagonist." He pointed at the blonde ninja.

"Not so fast." Kakashi noted. "How can you be sure you have the edge in this situation?"

"We don't." Said the bonus, with the heavy asthmatic voice usually only reserved for a certain Sith lord. "But there is one more detail; we aren't in just any fan fiction. We're in a crossover.

_The worst type of fan fiction, _Sakura concluded. _And this means…_

"This means that the rules of another world are now working here." Sasuke informed.

"And I, being a villain from another world, can only be truly defeated by _That person._" The Bonus said, pointing to Snake."Or ironic lightning, I guess." He completed. "So when he dies, it is all over for you."

Snake didn't understand much of what they were talking about, not being a particularly aware of fan fiction. But he did understand the word _die._ Very quietly, he left the scene, and sprinted for his life one more time. _This is happening too much lately._ But Big Boss only managed to run a few seconds into a small lake before the figure with the white hair appeared by him.

"Did you really think I wouldn't notice?" He asked.

Snake quickly pulled his favorite lethal gun, his loyal pistol, and placed a few shots, which hit the target directly – only that it turned out to be a log. _I was being attacked… by a log?_ However, the white-haired man appeared in front of him, lacking the holes he just had. He grabbed a bandana he was wearing and pulled it out, revealing another red eye. _There's got to be some sort of red eye epidemic around here. I better not touch him, _Snake thought.

"Sharingan!" Kakashi said, and charged his foe, preparing a water jutsu to knock out his opponent:

"Suiton: Daibakufu no Jutsu!" (Water style: Water Dragon Jutsu!)

From the lake, a dragon the size of a train left the water to pursue Snake. It was coming too fast, and it was too massive to defend, so he used he last resort: Crawling. In an instant, Big Boss went from standing to crawling position, and the water dragon went in a straight line, destroying a nearby tree.

Kakashi was rather surprised with the speed of his opponent, who didn't seem to run very fast. But even his best skills wouldn't be enough to outcome Snake's next weapon: Porn magazines. He scattered those all around him, which made Kakashi stop on track, cancelling the Sharingan. _I… can't… Resist… _His body gained a thousand pounds, and he was forced to sit. His hand gained a life of its own, and grabbed the closest magazine.

"Don't run!" He asked, unable to act. "If we let we help you, we have a fighting chance!" _These girls are unbelievable…_

But Snake didn't hear him, and kept his way. If someone wanted to help him, it better not toss a water dragon at him first. He was reaching a giant wall of stone on front of him. If only he could reach a safe place… but he didn't know where. That's when he noted a small hole in the stone. Looking back to see if there was anyone after him, he ran towards the hole.

-Back to The Bonus' evil plan –

"And this is the entire extent of our evil plan." Sasuke finished, after a solid five minutes. He ended the jutsu and his sick look disappeared. "I'm done, Orochimaru."

"Good, good. You're almost half as good in that as I am already. Now, do you have anything to sssssssay, Naruto?"

"I do." Sakura intervened. "In case you didn't notice, that guy you have to kill escaped a long time ago, and our sensei went after him. Since he's one of our top ninjas, I'm sure he's safely at Konoha by now."

"What she said!" Naruto completed. "Believe it!"

The evil 4 searched around, and than stared back at the two. They stared each other with blank faces for one awkward moment. Then they sprinted as fast they could, pretending that never happened.

"Wow, that was great!" Jiraya said, finishing his notes from his last research, already far from Konoha. He was in a clearance, with a stone wall in one side and a lake in the other. "Totally worth the wounds." He completed with a toothless smile. _Now, I should find that escapee before Tsunade finds out… I'll have to use all my observation skills._

Of course, that's when Snake bumped into him.

"Oh hey there. Looks like I finally found you." Jiraya commented. Big boss tried to run from him towards the river, but he sprinted into his way, disappearing from sight for a brief moment with his speed. "Sorry, but I can't let you go." _Now, what did Tsunade said?_ The sage asked himself.

_"Something something, yadda yadda, kill him."_ Jiraya heard clearly in his head, with the picture of a bald Tsunade looking deadly serious. _Yeah, it was something like that._

With that in mind, Jiraya opened his hand in front of him, and a massive flow of blue chakra formed in his hand, forming a circle. Snake would have run, but it all happened too fast. Next thing he saw, the old man was thrusting his arm at him, holding the ball. He shouted:

"RASENGAN!"

The ball hit, forming a massive sphere of energy that dragged the body into the stone wall. But only after the impact dust fell that Jiraya noticed that he hit the wrong person: Naruto was in the Big Boss' place, unconscious.

"What… Why?" He asked, without a response from the kid. But Sakura appeared shortly afterwards, breathing heavily and trying to tell him something:

"Wait… *Huff Huff*… Don't kill him… *Huff Huff*

"Looks like they got here first." Said Kabuto. "But it doesn't really matter."

"Orochimaru!" Jiraya shouted.

"Yesssss…" Orochimaru Started. "This ends here! I will kill you than I'll get over with that pesky thug you almost killed."

"I want to see you try." Jiraya said, assuming a fighting stance.

"Not so fast." Said The Bonus, who positioned himself in front of the sage. "I will be your opponent. Beware, mortal, my true form!"

With that, he removed his white cape, repealing his horrendous form: A head-sized noses, with its diabolic triangular shape and its horrendous pimples, the "thing" inhaled copious amounts of air in each breath. He was also wearing a sneaking suit full of weapons.

"…Really?" The sage asked. "Are you going to sneeze on me or what?"

"I have the powers of every single enemy Snake has defeated; therefore, I am invincible!"

The Bonus picked up a Patriot gun from his suit and started firing at Jiraya. But he was faster than that, and quickly dodged the attack. He then attacked with a swarm of bees, and a few bullet bees.

"Kuchiyose no jutsu!" The Sage shouted, biting his hand and placing it in the ground to summon a giant toad. It was brown and olive, and wielded a pair of swords, also a few stories tall. The frog used his tongue, eat all the bees faster than the eye could see. After that, it attacked The Bonus with the same deadly way. He was, however, more than ready for that, and grabbed it like it was nothing. Shock flowed from his hand to the toad, and it disappeared in a puff of smoke.

"Rasengan!" Jiraya shouted, appearing right next to him. The smoke gave him great coverage; However, the Bonus turned into a transparent ghost. The Rasengan and its caster went through it.

"You may be strong, but it is all useless against my next attack." The nose announced. "You will now face all enemies you have killed so far."

Slowly, thousands of dead ninjas faded into existence, most of them heavily burned. They seemed like a legion of sleepless, brainless zombies that moaned and complained constantly, eager to see heads rolling. _Good grief, it's like a fan base! I've better run._ The multitude of people began chasing Jiraya, who didn't think twice and ran for his life. The stream of ninjas kept going for a few seconds.

"Too easy." The Bonus said.

"Stop. Right There." Snake announced.

Both opponents stared at each other, ready for the final battle. The one that would decide it all. They had gone all the way to there; The Bonus for his villany, and Big Boss for his box. They had everything to loose. Readier than ever, Snake charged at the enemy, shouting dramatically. The killing intent could be tracked all the way back to konoha. Picking up his mightiest weapon, the RPG launcher, Snake…

Took a tranquilizer shot at the head. He fell and started to sleep like a baby.

"What? It is done?" Orochimaru asked.

"Yes, it seems." Kabuto said, adjusting his glasses.

"Now only Sakura's left." Said Sasuke, looking at her coldly.

_Oh good, what do I do now? _She asked herself. _I can't beat them on my own. It's… It's over! And it's all Naruto's fault. My only regret in not have punched him harder._

"Wait!" Said Tsunade, appearing triumphantly with Team Asuma, Kurenai and Gai at the same time. Except for that girl with the number name, no one cared about her anyway. "You really thought it was over?"

"It's useless." The Bonus interviened. "You don't seem to understand that, being from another world, I can only…" However, he only noticed the enormous flow of red chakra approaching him at high speed once it was too late.

"RASENGAN!" Naruto shouted at the top of his lungs, throwing his red Rasengan.

The ball grew in size to massive amounts, throwing The Bonus far, far away from the clearance and into a porn magazine pile.

"You brat…" Said the nose, bleeding from… You guessed it.

"Oh my, look what we have here." Said Kakashi, watching The Bonus with both his eyes.

"Don't even try. I'm invincible! Not even those hand signs or pointing your hand downwards will help! The only thing that can kill me Is Snake! …And-

"Lightning blade!" And then the nose was no more. Kakashi closed his bandana on his Sharingan. "Good. Now that I'm done, I should go get some soup." He cleaned his hands from the blood and went home.

"It'sssss not over yet!" Said Orochimaru, not far from there. "We are still going to kill you!" He then used his extending neck to attack Sakura.

However, because of her superior intelligence, she saw through the attack and grabbed the neck in mid air.

"Ack!" He shouted.

_What should I do now?_ She thought. After taking a second to think, Sakura twisted Orochimaru's neck and formed a tidy knot. Try as he might, He could not get out of it.

"Master!" Kabuto shouted.

"Not now." Said Jiraya, shrugging off the last spirit from his shoulder. It moaned in complain (something about shipping) and disappeared. "So you think you can take sage-level ninja and get away with it, don't you? I would call Tsunade, but there's going to be so much blood she might throw up."

Kabuto gulped, and the sage went after him. Which left Sasuke.

"Nice to see you again, Sasuke." Said Shikamaru, facing the guy who almost killed some of his friends (and Naruto) because of an identity crisis. "I hope you are in good shape."

"Why?" Sasuke asked, rather surprised.

"Because then you'll last longer. Kageshibari no jutsu!" (Shadow bind jutsu!) The shadow appeared, and in moments captured Sasuke. The other Konoha genin approached him, also furious. "Choji, throw a punch for me, will ya?"

"Sure!" Said choji.

Since describing such an event more closely would ruin half of the fun of the reader, it will be left for speculation. All that can be ensured is that he didn't seem so evil anymore after all the beating that he took.

After one full round of beating, the Konoha ninja were reunited again in front of their villains.

"What do we do now, lord Orochimaru?" Asked Kabuto.

His master didn't answer, and instead drew a shuriken from his belt and threw it at Tsunade's head. When she saw it coming, it was too late: The kunai hit the pants in her head and took it along, leaving only baldness.

"Oooooh, Shiny!" Everyone said, while the villains attempted an escape.

"Oh no you won't! Shouted Tsunade, jumping in front of them and hitting the ground with her leg. A massive pillar of rock formed, launching the evil three up and away. Before they left sight, they shouted:

"Team Orochimaru's blasting off agaaaain!" The voices faded slowly, and a twinkle in the sky appeared in their place.

Not much more time after, Snake got back up.

"Oh, hello there." Said Tsunade, putting her pants back in her head. "Don't worry, we won't harm you. Anymore, anyway. We're working on a portal back home already. You can stay the night in the village if you want." Big Boss nodded.

"Ugh… Did we win?" Naruto asked, scratching his head.

"Yes Naruto, we won." Said Sakura, grabbing him by the collar of his jacket. "Now let's get home."

"WAIT!" Shouted TinTin. Sakura released Naruto, which fell with an "oof" sound. "YOU DIDN'T FORGET ME, STRANGER! Please… Marry me!" She said, stumbling towards him, with a bandage in her belly and a shine in her eyes. "No one's ever going to notice me ever again if you don't!"

_Sounds good to me,_ Snake thought. He pretended like nothing happened. TanTan, noticing that, fell on her knees and cried copiously.

"Can you take her, lee? She's having another meltdown." Neji said.

"All right, as long as we get home quickly." Replied Lee.

And they all went home.

- One day later, USA's white house. –

"You seem to be getting a lot of medals from me lately, Big Boss." Said the president.

"6 times just this week." Snake said, under his breath.

"Did you say something?"

"Nope."

"Allright then, make it quick. Maddona- I mean, my wife's waiting me at home."

Snake then NOT shaked a poor man's hand; hugged para-medic, slipping a Naruto autograph in her back; shaked Major Zero's hands, making his bests efforts not to shoot that idiot right then and there; Shaked signit's hand, giving him a paper bomb and a piece of giant snake skin for further studies; and went for Big Boss' grave, waiting for his well deserved ending.

And, once more, Snake met with his objective; the one thing that made him feel safe again, that sense of completion only provided by one thing:

_My beloved box._


End file.
